I got this email in my inbox this week from a vendor I have worked with, or researched. I paraphrased where necessary to keep the email anonymous [in brackets].
Subject: [Vendor] offers end of the quarter discount
If recent news reports are any indication, our country is no longer in a recession, and business should start increasing. In fact, for many of our customers, sales are already picking up. As a result, this is a perfect time to implement [Vendor products] or purchase additional product to help streamline your business process.
[summary of product information]
But perhaps you’re thinking about adding a [competing category of solutions] and can’t see the value to adding [vendor solution]. Prior to purchasing [competing solution type] which will have features you might never know about or use, let us show you how you can use just [vendor]‘s tools in conjunction with your existing environments and save money vs. [competing solution category].
[save money by buying vendor product]. Contact us.
The total email was about 1 page of text. I don’t know about you, but I didn’t think this email was very effective. It seemed to pitch-y and cliche. It definitely didn’t encourage me to buy more product before the end of the quarter. In fact I thought it was pretty disappointing: long, not very specific, and didn’t really get to the point.
My letter would have been more like:
Subject: Use [vendor] to save [XXX] on [business process] tools
Are you looking for [competing solution category]? Did you know you can improve [insert business process] with [vendor name]‘s tools, and save [xxx]%. I’d like to schedule a chat with you to give you more details, and we are running a promo through [xx/xx/xxxx] for [$XXX] off our products and services.
Check out this [insert content link] on how to use our tools to solve [business challenge].
What’s your opinion? How would you have rewritten this sales email?