Is this sales letter a help or hindrance?

Standard

I got this email in my inbox this week from a vendor I have worked with, or researched.  I paraphrased where necessary to keep the email anonymous [in brackets].

Subject: [Vendor] offers end of the quarter discount

If recent news reports are any indication, our country is no longer in a recession, and business should start increasing.  In fact, for many of our customers, sales are already picking up.  As a result, this is a perfect time to implement [Vendor products] or purchase additional product to help streamline your business process.

[summary of product information]

But perhaps you’re thinking about adding a [competing category of solutions] and can’t see the value to adding [vendor solution].  Prior to purchasing [competing solution type] which will have features you might never know about or use, let us show you how you can use just [vendor]’s tools in conjunction with your existing environments and save money vs. [competing solution category].

[save money by buying vendor product].  Contact us.

The total email was about 1 page of text.  I don’t know about you, but I didn’t think this email was very effective.  It seemed to pitch-y and cliche. It definitely didn’t encourage me to buy more product before the end of the quarter.  In fact I thought it was pretty disappointing: long, not very specific, and didn’t really get to the point.

My letter would have been more like:

Subject: Use [vendor] to save [XXX] on [business process] tools

Are you looking for [competing solution category]?  Did you know you can improve [insert business process] with [vendor name]’s tools, and save [xxx]%.  I’d like to schedule a chat with you to give you more details, and we are running a promo through [xx/xx/xxxx] for [$XXX] off our products and services.

Check out this [insert content link] on how to use our tools to solve [business challenge].

What’s your opinion? How would you have rewritten this sales email?

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